Aiden Update

We were at Hobby Lobby today where some teens (I am guessing) damaged a portion of the store by throwing fully-unscrewed-and-opened bottles of craft paint across the shelves EVERYWHERE. On a nearby clearance aisle Aiden got ahold of a tiny bottle of blue model car paint someone had opened and left within easy grabbing distance. As I was distracted by avoiding the paint explosion puddles, I looked up to see Aiden COVERED in blue paint, ruining both pieces of clothing he was wearing. I was thinking about how these inconsiderate strangers, with their obvious lack of parenting, would never realize their actions caused us a ruined outfit and incredible amounts of frustration. I don't want Aiden to be that way and yet I seem to have been dealt that card to battle.

So Aiden saw an Occupational Therapist at the end of July and I got some answers, which I wanted, but they were upsetting. In fact, they were heartbreaking. Aiden has no neurological issues at all and while he showed a shadow of some possible lingering sensory issues, all the tactile play therapy I did with him this spring seems to have helped him overcome it. (If only that complement had made me feel better.) However Aiden scored very high on his intelligence screening and as soon as I entered the room to hear the test results, the therapist observed a marked change in Aiden's behavior. In short, he's wicked smart and will creatively manipulate to get his way.

Okay, so all kids do this. No big deal, right? Just give them firm discipline and maybe a swat on the bum, right? Well...yes and no for Aiden. The first part of the problem is me. I disliked how harshly I was disciplined growing up and vowed to be much kinder to my children. I also pick my battles a little too well, which has given Aiden the belief that there are loopholes to be exploited. In addition to this we are discovering that without extremely clear, firm and without-fail consistency, Aiden will start pulling out bizzare tricks from up his sleeve for us to contend with so our focus wanders off HIM and onto the messes/noise/destruction he's causing. (Included in this are his autistic-type behaviors since they actually made me pause and wonder if he had control over them or not so I did not punish, I just re-directed the behavior believing he may not be able to help it.) Aiden's mess-making, toy throwing and strange vomiting fits (fingers in his mouth while crying to trigger gagging) also fall in this category.

The most difficult & frustrating part is that Aiden needs SOOO much firmness that feels like it borderlines on unkindness and parental dictating. For now giving Aiden more than basic choices seems to invite manipulation while simple requests, like put your underwear on, have suddenly turned into TWO HOUR battles. Like yesterday when Aiden refused to put his underwear back on after going to the bathroom and I walked him to his room and told him he could come out when they were on. TWENTY SIX TIMES over TWO HOURS I had to put him back in his room and listen to him kicking the door and damaging the drywall while I vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the playroom and then sat down to begin playing with his Legos myself. I was 5 minutes in to Lego playtime when he emerged, exhausted, with his underwear on. (Backwards.) It was extremely difficult to return him to his room every 4 minutes and listen to the HOURS of wailing & banging but the dings in the wall will be worth having one less thing to fight over him with.

Unfortunately I don't really know what to do with Aiden's new tourettes-like screaming gibberish outbursts in public followed by "Mom don't hit me!" when I haven't ever hit him, aside from spanks on the bum, and at that moment I didn't even touch him. (Tell me this isn't a difficult child. I dare you. I also dare you to ask me when we're having another one...) Most mothers would have beaten him to a pulp by now, trying to spank the misbehavior out of him. That doesn't work for Aiden - instead it gives him the all-clear to whollop kids his age, which has made him aware of his massive height advantage and adds "bully" to the list of things we must contend with. Instead, Brian hit the nail on the head. We have to combat stubborness with stubborness until each melts the other's away and loving give-and-take can resume.

The worst part is I MUST learn to control some of the aspects of my own kindness in order to be the parent I need to be for Aiden. He MUST be ignored when screaming, no matter how much I know this parenting tactic bothers Brian. He MUST have stated consequences followed through with, no matter how unkind it seems to walk him back to his room wailing & gaging, threatening to vomit on his new carpet, for the 26th time. He MUST learn proper behavior first and taste of consequence before he can understand true kindness from his parents and I completely hate this needed period of unbending parenting but I'm doing it. Because worse than 3 year-old temper tantrums is the thought of how truly unkind it is to let a child enter the world where he thinks it's okay to take his frustrations out on the general public in totally unacceptable ways. I guess there is an early warning and a good parenting lesson learned from open, dripping, splattered bottles of paint and one ruined toddler outfit during a morning at Hobby Lobby. What mother wouldn't trade a toddler wardrobe to ensure her child never becomes that type of adult? I simply have to keep reminding myself: The messes & house damage are temporary while the lesson is lasting. Otherwise the orderly house is only temporary and the damage to him is lasting.