A Letter to the Insurance Company

Dear Aetna,

Delightful as it is to have to call you every five days for something, I have been disappointed with the care I receive. It's not that your warbling frog-and-cricket-sounding wait music is annoying nor is it that your customer service rep's abilities to correctly dial transfer extensions borders on that of orangutans...I actually find the process of playing phone transfer hot potato a delightful use of my otherwise would-be wasted time. No, my main complaint is that your highest-up customer service reps seem to be both blissfully inept at understanding my most simple requests while they are staggeringly brilliant at the ins and outs of state laws, insurance workings and anything involving one of your dollar signs. I have been most recently amused by your notice that the claim for our son's behavioral therapy has been denied while you also provided us a suggestion to appeal since, as you already know, it is 100% illegal to refuse coverage to a Texas child between the ages of 3 and 6 who has a need for such therapy. I also find it hilariously disappointing that you assumed so many times I could be run off with such simple statements as "your doctor is out of network" when indeed there are NO such "doctors" for behavioral therapy in network because they are called THERAPISTS. (My next favorite line being "Yes, you are correct about the state laws covering any child under any plan but they do not apply to your plan.") I have read more intelligent answers on Laffy Taffy wrappers and you should be ashamed of the circle-talk your reps have tried to pass off as "official" information.

I was grateful to talk to a head clinician in your billing department who gave me truly useful info about how to get around some of your sticky red tape (may the Lord bless his family while he is currently employed by Satan). He delivered the unfortunate news that you deem most of my son's suspected issues as "theoretical" and "experimental" and such make-believe, intangible things not worthy of your coverage. Enclosed you will find example images of such "theoretical" behaviors and my assurances that PLENTY of "experimental" things go on all day long at my house while I am otherwise diverted as I am passed through endless phone trees to get to someone I have yet to talk to that you believe is inept enough to answer and play a convincing idiot. I find it a shame I cannot bill you for the minutes of my life you have wasted nor the inconveniences you have caused but they are rapidly building towards my own nervous breakdown and I'm eyeing a delightful place in Maui which, what do you know, happens to be IN NETWORK! Until then I will be keeping my child with "unfounded and medically unproven" behaviors away from all tubes of toothpaste and after ensuring his behavioral therapy is covered by you, I will be submitting my invoices alongside his from the tropics. Aloha!